Mothering Ourselves With Food
Filed Under: Emotional Eating
12 May 2023 | Written by Xenia Ayiotis
In many countries around the world, this Sunday is about celebrating Mother’s Day. The day can bring up a mix of emotions, from joy and gratitude to sadness and grief. I have conflicted feelings about these days – Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, New Year’s Eve. Sometimes I feel like they are “compulsory celebration” days yet they can also be an opportunity for gratitude and acknowledgement.
As a mother whose daughter has been abroad for two years, I can relate to the bittersweet feeling of missing the handmade cards, coffee in bed and flowers from the garden. Similarly, as a daughter whose mother lives a continent away, I understand the ache of being separated from someone who has played such a significant role in shaping who I am today.
As I was reflecting on Mother’s Day, I couldn’t help but think about the link between food and mothering. For me, food has been both a source of comfort and a trigger for shame. My mother, who was orphaned at a young age, struggled to express her love and affection in ways other than through food or shopping. While I appreciated her efforts to buy me my favourite foods, her comments about my weight left me feeling confused and inadequate. On the one hand it was “look I bought you your favourite chocolate but don’t eat too much of it, you will put on weight”. Gaining weight in her view, was the equivalent to Dante’s third level of hell – gluttony. She even bribed me with gifts if I reached my goal weight. My experience was a mother who was a Machiavellian manipulator and I acknowledge that other people have experienced far worse.
I turned to food as a way to cope with my feelings of anxiety, and low self-worth. Only when I started to heal my relationship with food and address the underlying emotional wounds did I realise that what I truly hungered for was not food, but affection, understanding and connection. I know that I’m not alone in this experience. Many of my clients have turned to food as a way to fill the hole in their hearts. We may have grown up in families where our needs for emotional and psychological support were not fully met, or we may have experienced trauma or loss that left us feeling disconnected and alone. In times like this, food is a way to cope with our feelings, to fill the void and numb the pain. In times like this, food provides a sense of safety and control, a full belly gives us a sense of feeling grounded.
Food becomes a substitute for the nurturing and care that we need or needed growing up. While food can provide temporary relief or pleasure, it cannot heal the wounds that we carry inside. It is challenging work to break these patterns and heal the hole in our hearts. It requires courage and a deep level of self-reflection.
But by recognising that we are seeking something deeper than food – like acceptance and a sense belonging, or simply being okay we can look for other ways to meet our needs. We can learn how to mother ourselves by developing a compassionate and nurturing relationship with ourselves and cherishing ourselves as we would a child. This could look like setting boundaries, learning to say no, taking time to rest or talking to ourselves with kindness and patience as we learn these new skills.
Learning to mother ourselves is a journey that requires courage and vulnerability. So, as we celebrate Mother’s Day and the Mother figures in our lives, let us also celebrate ourselves and commit to nurturing ourselves with love and kindness.
To all those who are mothers.
To all those who are not mothers.
To all who are grieving their children.
To all who are grieving their mothers.May we all remember that, according to the Buddhist teachings, we have all at some point been mothers to one another. May we remember that each of us “mothers,” that we all give and care and take care of one another in so many ways.
May we honor our Earth Mother, who sustains and takes care of us all. May we vow to honor and see the goodness in all beings, and take care of one another.
May all beings feel cared for, loved, and held.
May we all feel nurtured, loved and safe.
– Tara Brach –
❤️ Gentle reminder: There will be a day when the only thing your loved ones will have are photos of you. It doesn’t matter what size your body is, how you look, just BE in the photo, they will just want to see you.
Wishing you well,
Xen
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